This year I participated in Project Sketchbook 2010- a community project put on by the Rozelle Artists Guild here in Memphis. (Read the article in the Memphis Daily News here!). I was pretty excited about the project, but as the deadline to mail in said sketchbook grew closer and closer, I began to experience my usual feelings of frustration, anxiety and dissatisfaction. For me, most of the time a creative project + deadline = epic fail. I first experienced this in junior high school. My art teacher had chosen me to come up with a drawing or painting that would be in some sort of multi-school art contest/show. While honored to be asked, I just couldn’t come up with anything… I procrastinated and ended up with some drawing I rushed through and was not satisfied with at all. I remember feeling the same emotions then as I do now as an adult when forced to create something– I hate it, I get some sort of artists-block, and I usually don’t like whatever I end up with. I know a lot of people are able to, but honestly, I cannot just make something, no matter how many times I’ve done something or how comfortable I am with doing it– as corny as it sounds, this stuff has to just come naturally from within (otherwise it totally sucks).
This time wasn’t as extreme, but I did start to feel anxious about running out of time & frustration for not having some great idea (even though from the start I decided my main goal was for this book to reflect ME- not how neat or unique I could make the book itself). I finished my entire sketchbook in under an hour and a week before deadline. I went back and forth with considering not turning in the book at all. I also had this idea that I wanted a theme for my book, and my theme was going to be photography and/or embroidery. Then I changed it a few dozen times and ended up back at photography. I like it alright… I mean… I’ve been more satisfied with other things I’ve made and I’ve been less satisfied with other things I’ve made. Here are a few pages from my sketchbook:
I know there are a few supercreatives who read my blog– does anyone experience the same kinds of feelings when it comes to creativity and deadlines or expectations?
I’m not a super regular shooter anyway, so whenever the Photo First Assignments that Juli and I do come up, I sort of panic. I can’t remember what I’ve shot, if it’s anything worthy, and Juli of course always does something insane and beautiful. I usually pull something out of my ass at the last minute, so I totally feel what you mean. The stuff that I decide to do without a deadline or assignment is always better than the stuff I do because it’s required.
Kandi -
I know this exact feeling. Sometimes it is overwhelming and completely holds me back from things. I hate it. I felt that way in high school, even grade school. But when I went to college things changed. I had deadlines ALL the time! It became do or die. So I just created. And you know what? Some of it did REALLY suck. But art school is really just expensive time-management and a community of people willing to give a somewhat-informed opinion. And that really helped me grow as an artist. I learned to push myself and it did work sometimes to great effect.
Now, 5 years later (Whoa! Really?! Feels like yesterday) I still struggle with project deadlines and none worse than my own personal deadlines. But honestly, the more I MAKE myself do, the more I feel like doing. And again, some of it is crap and some of it becomes work I really love. To me its worth the struggle because I wouldn’t know how to function otherwise.
The biggest thing I miss about school and about living in a city is the community of artists I had surrounding me. I’m so lucky now to have friends that are artists and work with me sometimes. The thing that helps me most to work and create is having some sort of accountability. Summer Pierre talks about this in her book. Photo Firsts with Brandi REALLY helps me to push myself to make something ANYTHING and get it out there where other people can see. I know if I don’t accomplish something, she would be bummed and that’s enough to make me work on something. :)
And the last thing before I post this LONG comment, is something you have heard a million times before. We all know it. But remember it when you feel blocked. You are your own worst critic. The times you can create (and live!) freely are the times you aren’t criticizing yourself. I never think my stuff is all that good, but you guys contradict me constantly. And you know what? It makes me look at my own work in a different way. I need that to get better. I need you guys!
LOVE!
-juli
From what I can see in your sketchbook it is a perfect reflection of your amazing photography. I’m glad you had courage, went for it, completed it and dropped it in the mail!
I’ve struggled greatly over the past few years with what I kept referring to as artist block, but what i have come to realize as fear! There’s a great difference between the two. Artist Block is when I just don’t have an inspiration, idea or something in my heart that I want to create — this rarely happens to me! There’s inspiration everywhere! FEAR on the other hand is something self created that prevents me from creating that which I love. The self critic, fears and insecurities jump into play. I’m grateful that I have recognized this in my own life and now I’m taking one step at a time to remove it. In a book that I read it talked about bringing your childhood sense of play into your creative life. You know, when you were a kid playing pretend you aren’t thinking “what will others think about this…” You just play recklessly! When I was little I didn’t worry that my family wasn’t going to like it when I packed up my bags, got my babies and sat on my parent’s bed and pretending to be flying to New York. I didn’t worry that I was going to be laughed at when i opened up my ice cream shop complete with 30 flavors of playdough. And I always confidently, excitedly handed the people in my life some art that I had created! All that to say, I’m trying to gain back the confidence that I had when I was five.
Somewhere there lies the great balance of being confident in yourself without stepping over the line of arrogance. I’m looking for that place.
Kandi, you are lovely and your work is a reflection of your loveliness!
Wow, I was really touched when reading the responses to this blog. I’m really grateful to have so many artistic and genuinely creative friends, too (uh, the three of you!)
It’s true what y’all were saying about being your own worst critic, too. I swear there are some photos I’ve taken that I’ve felt like weren’t that great or were too cliche, and then I get comments and e-mails etc from people who loved them. (for example, the recent set of magic kids photos got me some tweets and retweets, comments, e-mails, facebook posts, text messages and real-life comments, too! Sure, I liked them and I was proud of them, but I didn’t think they were my best work by far) It’s nice to know that even work I don’t feel is my best is being enjoyed by someone else. It’s very, very encouraging.
I was so glad that I pushed myself to complete the sketchbook instead of just not doing it, which I really considered. I would have regretted it so much if I wouldn’t have done it.
Thanks so much for being so open and honest here! It’s comforting to know I have three great people in my life who sometimes struggle with the same things I do, and that it’s not the end of the world when it happens. I think the three of you are so talented and whether you want to believe it or not, all three of you at separate times have encouraged and inspired me to create.
kcc